my rejected mcsweeney's entry

The Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth: If Fan Fiction Were Real Scripts
by John Wenz

Sister Act III: Old Habits Die Hard

Whoopie Goldberg reprises her role as Sister Mary Clarence, having to bring down an insane Alan Rickman as he plots to blow up the Pentagon. Guest starring Christopher Lambert as newly ordained nun, Sister Pius X.

MacGyver vs. Walker, Texas Ranger

The king of contraptions matches wits and hits with the god of roundhouse kicks in a simple misunderstanding gone wrong. Includes a steamy love plot involving MacGyver, and Lucas, the young boy infected with AIDS. MacGyver, in the finale, uses a combination of floss, Formula 409 and a metal barrel to create a anti-roundhouse spray. He also cures AIDS with breathmints, tin foil and a can of Coke.

Highlander: Mac Style

Conor McCleod discovers that there can be only two, when MacGyver is revealed to be the One. Clancy Brown reprises his role as a really, really menacing hairy guy.

X-Men 4

Jubilee finds her chance to lead the team after Cyclops, Storm, Wolverine and every other character who doesn’t suck is abducted by some obscure Morlock that escaped the massacre in Uncanny X-Men #211. Features a team of Psylocke, Gambit, Gateway, Longshot and other b-list favorites. Lance Henriksen appears as Cable, the token time traveler with a needlessly convoluted past.

Gilmore Girls: The Movie

Rory experiments with other girls and college and Lorelei discovers love in an unexpected place: a bus stop. Snooty French guy at the hotel finally gets what he has coming: marathon fucks from body builders. Hilarious and unrealistic quips ensue.

Tomb Raider: Cradle of Boobs

Angelina Jolie appears really, really naked and squat thrusts and shoots her way through a jungle full of bare-breasted Amazonians who totally, totally like to make out. And some secret society has a plot to make the film appear to have a plot.

Batman and Robin Redux

Removes nipples, hockey teams from hell and Joel Schumaker to prove that Uma Thurman and George Clooney could have carried this movie. No really. Also edits in a love story between Alfred Pennyworth and some smarmy old British woman who can crack wise with the best of ‘em.

Howard the Duck 2: The Duck Quacks Back

Ninety minutes of a midget in fowl costume strangling George Lucas and shoving molted feathers into his mouth when he chokes for air never sounded so appealing.

Fantastic Foursome

Answers any and all questions about what Michael Chiklis' lil’ chicklet would look like if spray painted orange and made to look like rocks.

Lord of the Rings: Return of the Ring that They Thought Burned Up

(insert poor plot and hobbit joke here)

Harry Potter and the Needless Franchise

Harry grows up so the rest of us can stop having to be called “Muggles” by greasy kids with bad breath and thick glasses.

Star Trek XI: The Untouched Country

Kirk and Spock crash land on the frozen Klingon moon they were once kept prisoner on, and must use eachother and a little Vulcan touch to keep warm. Rated NC-17.

Sideways 2

For the viewers so unimaginative they couldn’t pretty much put together what Virginia Madsen and Paul Giamatti did after he rang her doorbell at the end. Hint: it probably involved a little love making, a little crying and a whole lot of bad facial hair. Oh fuckles, I forgot to put a spoiler warning in there. But Jesus fucking Christ people, seriously, what good does knowing do you? They probably got married, got divorced and he took a bunch of ambien and swallowed it down with a cheap Wal-Mart merlot in some vain effort to kill himself before writing his own version of Bukowski’s “Post Office” in a drunken haze, the ambien leaving him unable to remember writing what would later be acclaimed as his only good novel. Oh, and throw in some bullshit about Thomas Haden Church fucking a tranny and Sandra Oh getting a heroin problem.

Holy shit. I just wrote fan fiction.