Julianne Moore is typecast

So, has anyone heard about this?

Yeah, it seems Julianne Moore is in another movie where she plays a mother who loses her child who may or may not be there. This same thing has happened in The Forgotten and World Traveller. Now, she has played the mad before (see Safe) but now she seems to be in the same role over and over. Watching the preview during a screening of Rent, I wanted to scream obscenities having seen the preview. Is this where her career is going to die? It appears to be so. There is a lot of typecasting, of course, but how many people get typecast this late in their career? This is why nobody goes to movies anymore.

my rejected mcsweeney's entry

The Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth: If Fan Fiction Were Real Scripts
by John Wenz

Sister Act III: Old Habits Die Hard

Whoopie Goldberg reprises her role as Sister Mary Clarence, having to bring down an insane Alan Rickman as he plots to blow up the Pentagon. Guest starring Christopher Lambert as newly ordained nun, Sister Pius X.

MacGyver vs. Walker, Texas Ranger

The king of contraptions matches wits and hits with the god of roundhouse kicks in a simple misunderstanding gone wrong. Includes a steamy love plot involving MacGyver, and Lucas, the young boy infected with AIDS. MacGyver, in the finale, uses a combination of floss, Formula 409 and a metal barrel to create a anti-roundhouse spray. He also cures AIDS with breathmints, tin foil and a can of Coke.

Highlander: Mac Style

Conor McCleod discovers that there can be only two, when MacGyver is revealed to be the One. Clancy Brown reprises his role as a really, really menacing hairy guy.

X-Men 4

Jubilee finds her chance to lead the team after Cyclops, Storm, Wolverine and every other character who doesn’t suck is abducted by some obscure Morlock that escaped the massacre in Uncanny X-Men #211. Features a team of Psylocke, Gambit, Gateway, Longshot and other b-list favorites. Lance Henriksen appears as Cable, the token time traveler with a needlessly convoluted past.

Gilmore Girls: The Movie

Rory experiments with other girls and college and Lorelei discovers love in an unexpected place: a bus stop. Snooty French guy at the hotel finally gets what he has coming: marathon fucks from body builders. Hilarious and unrealistic quips ensue.

Tomb Raider: Cradle of Boobs

Angelina Jolie appears really, really naked and squat thrusts and shoots her way through a jungle full of bare-breasted Amazonians who totally, totally like to make out. And some secret society has a plot to make the film appear to have a plot.

Batman and Robin Redux

Removes nipples, hockey teams from hell and Joel Schumaker to prove that Uma Thurman and George Clooney could have carried this movie. No really. Also edits in a love story between Alfred Pennyworth and some smarmy old British woman who can crack wise with the best of ‘em.

Howard the Duck 2: The Duck Quacks Back

Ninety minutes of a midget in fowl costume strangling George Lucas and shoving molted feathers into his mouth when he chokes for air never sounded so appealing.

Fantastic Foursome

Answers any and all questions about what Michael Chiklis' lil’ chicklet would look like if spray painted orange and made to look like rocks.

Lord of the Rings: Return of the Ring that They Thought Burned Up

(insert poor plot and hobbit joke here)

Harry Potter and the Needless Franchise

Harry grows up so the rest of us can stop having to be called “Muggles” by greasy kids with bad breath and thick glasses.

Star Trek XI: The Untouched Country

Kirk and Spock crash land on the frozen Klingon moon they were once kept prisoner on, and must use eachother and a little Vulcan touch to keep warm. Rated NC-17.

Sideways 2

For the viewers so unimaginative they couldn’t pretty much put together what Virginia Madsen and Paul Giamatti did after he rang her doorbell at the end. Hint: it probably involved a little love making, a little crying and a whole lot of bad facial hair. Oh fuckles, I forgot to put a spoiler warning in there. But Jesus fucking Christ people, seriously, what good does knowing do you? They probably got married, got divorced and he took a bunch of ambien and swallowed it down with a cheap Wal-Mart merlot in some vain effort to kill himself before writing his own version of Bukowski’s “Post Office” in a drunken haze, the ambien leaving him unable to remember writing what would later be acclaimed as his only good novel. Oh, and throw in some bullshit about Thomas Haden Church fucking a tranny and Sandra Oh getting a heroin problem.

Holy shit. I just wrote fan fiction.

A Festivus For The Rest of Us

My last post involved "alternative" cards I made for various holidays about three years ago. They were all made on MS Paint, and I finally stumbled across them on an old CD-RW. So, as not to let you all down, here is all them them, save Thanksgiving, which we already saw. I apologize for the small size. It's the best I could do.










And, as a bonus, a Family Circus cartoon I edited to cut down the cute factor...

Happy Thanksgiving

Words that rarely appear in Penthouse Forum letters

Rest area
Sweaty trucker
Ball sweat
Soup can shaped penis
Chode
Kitten
Cat
Furball
Pooper
Pooping
Pooped
Relative
Limbless
Chamber
Den of sin
Confessional
Crying
Knife
Glenn Danzig
Purple nurple
Failed to simultaneously orgasm

MacGyver was a pedophile

Any little kid who saw the show MacGyver probably remembers it as having been awesome. He could make anything with a pocket knife and a thought, and pull off a mullet while he did it. The oversight we, as children, had was that Angus MacGyver may have tried to be our buddy, too. A really close buddy. An illegal buddy.

After flying some model airplanes with a friend of mine, my roommate and I went to a certain outlet we wouldn't go to if it weren't for Chronic insomnia. We weren't looking for anything in particular, just passing some time, but somehow "passing some time" ended up with us going home with a wooden spoon, a bag of chicken nuggets and MacGyver: The Complete First Season. We made some chicken nuggets and popped in disc one.

Episode one, directed by Alan Smithee (who's not a real director), opens with MacGyver and his little buddy palling around. The next thing we know, MacGyver has to stop some disaster or other, blah blah blah. None of the rest of the episode matters to the thesis of this. What matters is that, at the end, MacGyver and his "little brother" are playing basketball. On the surface, there is nothing wrong with this. Except that MacGyver has a basketball hoop in his living room, which is filled with toys and he is alone in this house with the little boy. Now, MacGyver's innocence can still be inferred from this. After all, he's just helping this inner city youth have a real role model. Nothing wrong with that. Sure, the bachelor with a room full of toys is a little suspect, but we can ignore that.

Until episode two, when MacGyver slaps a Burmese boy on the ass. Now, it's a sporting gesture, sure. My junior high football coach slapping me on the ass and yelling "Where is your buttpad?" may have been the *ahem* butt of many jokes. But the fact that MacGyver seems to concentrate all his attention on this little boy seems a little kooky. Him hugging him throughout it is a little strange. But him slapping the child on the ass is what we would call a little much. At this point, my roommate and I were dumbfounded, and we rewinded to that scene and played it in slow motion. And it was still just as creepy.

The third episode is where things go even more overboard. MacGyver teams up with an adorable gypsy girl, trying to get a watch back. The watch has a secret hidden in it, perhaps the secret to MacGyver's sketchy past. At the end, MacGyver rescues the gypsy girl's family and they make it to the Austrian border (from Hungary). MacGyver ensures their passage to freedom, then proceeds to pick up the little girl, kiss her on the mouth, spin her around and nuzzle his nose with hers, looking intently into her eyes.

The rewind/slo-mo process happened again. It got creepier. We watched the fourth episode, the last on the disc, intent on finding out if there was anything else to corroborate our new theory. Unfortunately or fortunately, there were no children in the episode ... just John Vernon. There was brief speculation that the connection between MacGyver and Vernon's character may have somehow related to Vernon molesting a young MacGyver, but it may have just been wishful thinking, like when creationists find a flaw in modern evolutionary theory to prove that there's a God.

At this point, we went to bed. We didn't pop in disc two, but rest assured, the saga of MacGyver's private life isn't over. We are going down a dangerous road, the road of discovering that an icon of USA Network may well have been a pederast.

Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby?

So, instead of doing something constructive with my life, I spent my afternoon watching a low-quality bootleg of Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story. For those unfamiliar with this heart wrenching family drama, instead of actors, the film is all done in Barbies. And it's fucking amazing. Somehow, with characters whose mouths won't moves emote more than any television movie could hope to. If you can find a copy, best of luck. If you can't, I guess you're just SOL.

Hey, guess who's back?

That's right, the chubby guy with the bad jokes. Having just officially launched my mp3 blog, Hyperbole Will Change Your Life (which is, in fact, a blatant parody of the line in Garden State) I decided a place for non-musical writings might be necessary. Mostly because I need a place to tell the world that I am addicted to watching people orgasm so that it's out in the open and it can't be held against me some day. What's that, you say? Addicted to WHAT?!?!?

Well, thanks to the fine folks at Esquire, I have spent the last few days, when not working or pretending to attend class, looking at videos from Beautiful Agony. The site features hundreds of videos of people achieving orgasm. The words of Bad Brain's song "Pay to Cum" never rang so true. It would ring truer if it were "find some torrent because you're fucking broke to watch people cum," but the song was written before my time.

Each video is strictly a shoulders up shot. It's kind of like one of those awkward sexual encounters where you can't close your eyes, and it lasts anywhere from a minute-and-a-half to ten minutes. Call it post-modern porn, if you will, but nothing has ever been committed to tape that was both chiefly erotic and depravedly voyeuristic like this is. It's also utterly fascinating. This isn't the kind of thing you sit down with a bowl of popcorn, a tube of lotion and a gym sock to.

A friend of mine knocked on the window to the apartment tonight because she was bored and wanted to go drink with my roommate. Common decency says "shut off the porn." My enraptured state said "Wow, I feel really dirty right now but can't stop watching." She saw the screen and said something along the lines of "What the fuck?" Then she got kind of enthralled.

Esquire said it ruined porn with its unabashed honesty; but me, it's just ruined my life.